It has put a strain of anxiety on our marriage in the past, but it's never gotten the best of us. As soon as it's has started to put anxiety strain on us in the past we highlight it and remind each other we can't let it come between us. We communicate Better and always end up on the same page by talking things out. My husband knows what his mom can be like, in fact he warned me when we first started dating (22yrs ago) and I unfortunately didn't really get the full effects of what he was warning me about until she betrayed my trust pretty bad, lied to make me look bad and won't take any responsibility for the things she's done or the way she acts. She thinks it's ok to throw money at problems and will never genuinely apologize for anything or work through anything with anyone. My husband has said we could cut them out of our lives and he would always choose me and our kids over his family, but I don't want that for my kids or my husband. The unfortunate part is my husbands family doesn't resolve anything EVER. His moms behaviour has isolated them from their own parents and siblings (my husbands aunts and uncles) and he's never had a relationship with his aunts uncles and cousins because of it. I very clearly see how it's happened now. I see my role out of respect for my husband is to do the right thing which isn't always what I want to do and most times causes me anxiety.
Your right it's not healthy, and I so wish it wasn't like this, but we can't change his parents or the way they communicate and work through things (or rather don't) so we just try to make the best of what we can control which is making sure we do the right thing in our actions.
It's so hard. And I so wish it wasn't like this.Now I came to think and decided to make things feel alright without causing any problem.
Most times, when starting out with challenging in-laws, the post-honeymoon portion of the show results in a dramatic climax with cameo appearances by an often unsuspecting cast of characters.
Here are five coping mechanisms I’ve researched and developed, which I’m still laboriously practicing and pledging in writing to continue to rehearse:
Here are five coping mechanisms I’ve researched and developed, which I’m still laboriously practicing and pledging in writing to continue to rehearse:
1. Stay off hot-button topics.
One of my favorite things about my mother-in-law is her ability to express herself without compunction and her commensurate ability to agree to disagree. She respects that, like her, I’m outspoken and have strong feelings about most (okay, all) topics. We’ve had our share of arguments and may not always see eye-to-eye, but I’ve learned to avoid topics that will result in a problem. In the past, those topics included me working full-time, part-time, and being a stay-at-home mom. We also no longer discuss whether it’s appropriate for “females” to travel for work, and what is a “woman’s role” in the home. Taking deep breaths even as I write. I realized we had a budding issue more than 20 years ago when my father-in-law interrupted my studying for the Bar Exam, as I sat next to his son — my husband, who was studying for the medical boards, to tell me it was time to come help my mother-in-law make dinner. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t. Guess who would’ve looked like the schmuck if she made an issue out of it? But I can’t pretend that that first seed of resentment wasn’t firmly implanted…
2. Not engaging emotionally in things you can’t control.
My husband is a huge advocate of not engaging emotionally (and not investing energy) in issues that he cannot control or change. Maybe it’s a guy thing, but it took me a long time to begin absorbing this via marital osmosis. My in-laws are integrally involved in raising two of their other grandchildren and often act as their surrogate parents. This brings parenting issues to the forefront of many of our interactions. For example, I’ve never understood threatening your kid with “Don’t come home with less than an ‘A’.” In addition, we don’t share the same political and social views so when discussions escalate, it’s best to disengage. As an added bonus, my in-laws’ extreme helicoptering style makes me look like a free-range parent — a title no one who knows me would ever use to describe me — so I try to enjoy wearing the laid-back, chill mom hat when I can.
3. Going limp and deflecting when necessary.
Going limp means not reacting to everything I hear and see. I’m not going to change it anyway, so what’s the point? When my in-laws rewrite history and tell stories that are so wrought with inaccuracies they may as well be fairytales, I remind myself that correcting them would serve no purpose. Besides, my parents do it too. (My kids say I already have a selective memory, but that’s just their teen hormones talking.) It’s hard for me to go limp when it comes to my children, so I try to deflect instead. When my father-in-law asked my son about his grades and future plans, then turned to my daughter and asked about her latest shopping spree and whether she had a boyfriend yet, I nearly had a heart attack. With my last breath, I mentioned her favorite subject in school, good grades and latest interests. He pleasantly surprised me by engaging her appropriately, and this beat the all-out-brawl that I could’ve started instead if I’d engaged and gone on the attack.
4. Reducing your level of expectation.
Expectation breeds disappointment so I’ve learned to assume nothing and hope for the best. Personal presumptions range from serious moral issues to mundane annoyances. Is it reasonable to expect to be treated EXACTLY the same as your mother-in-law’s own daughter? Is it reasonable for your father-in-law to expect to be called “Dad?” My mother-in-law always has the grace to ask if she can help out in the kitchen, but her timing coincides with the drying of the last dish. This used to drive me up the wall, but no longer, as lowering my expectations has mitigated my exasperation. And when I’m pleasantly surprised with help when I need it, I embrace it.
5. Accepting that differences in upbringing and family dynamics make certain situations unbridgeable.
I was raised by parents with equally high expectations for their male and female children. Our family discussions are dominated by raucous debates, requiring a loud voice and strong facts. My siblings and I weren’t part of the debate team in high school. We had practice every night at dinner. That doesn’t make my family right or good. It’s just how I was raised and what became ingrained in my fiber. Don’t get me wrong, my parents drive me nuts, but it’s the kind of nuts I grew up with and know how to navigate.
After 23 years of marriage, I’m still caught off guard by my in-law family’s dynamics – not because they’re worse than mine, but because they’re different, and I wasn’t groomed from birth to negotiate their particular set of rules. The law made me part of another family but my inherent training has not caught up to the law. For me, realizing this has been half the battle. I know that in-law relationships range from the good and bad, to the downright ugly. While my journey hasn’t always been easy, I’m at peace with my current situation.
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